A boring game for boring people. When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. 36. What are your favorite George Carlin quotes? George Carlin was one of the most well-known and beloved comedians of all time. If its true that our species is alone in the universe, then Id have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. Looking for the best George Carlin quotes? 50 The Alchemist Quotes To Make You Follow Your Dreams, 195 Best Cobra Kai Quotes (Seasons 1 5), 70 Attack On Titan Quotes That Will Inspire Greatness, 37 The Lion King Quotes Filled With Powerful Life Lessons, Your email address will not be published. You know why? And athletes, athletes got into uppers, college athletes. In fact, I regularly pray for serious, life-threatening rodeo injuries. 47. We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass. George Carlin, 79. But there is an I in independence, individuality, and integrity. George Carlin, 14. Heres another question I have: How come when its us, its an abortion, and when its a chicken, its an omelet? He was also known for his outspoken views on government and politics. I dont understand why prostitution is illegal. Share your thoughts in the comments below! Im an acrostic: the whole thing puzzles me. Seems like a big waste of time to me! "You give us a color, we'll wipe it out! And we wont leave much of a trace. No. Doesn't it seem a little arrogant? Im sure it made the work seem that much more urgent. George Carlin, 27. His parents divorced when he was two months old, and he . 28. They don't fall out of the sky. 37. "The planet is fine. But if he starts that smart-ass fly shit, buzzing my head and repeatedly landing on my arm, he is engaging in high-risk behavior. George Carlin - Government doesn't care about you - YouTube They're all in favor of the unborn. Its called dick fear! Men are terrified that their pricks are inadequate and so they have to compete with one another, to feel better about themselves, and since war is the ultimate competition, basically, men are killing each other in order to improve their self-esteem! According to these guys, Jesus is undefeated, meanwhile these assholes are in last place. George Carlin Quotes. You dont see chickens hanging around in drug gangs, do you? And we'll be gone. You kick him squarely in the nuts, and you get the fuck out of there as fast as you can, and you go tell somebody right away; you tell as many grown-up people as you canone of them is bound to believe you. George Carlin was an outspoken comic, known for his brash sense of humor, foul language and controversial views on politics, religion and other sensitive subjects. The politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice., Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups., If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else., Political correctness cripples discourse, creates ugly language and is generally stupid., Bipartisan usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out., When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person., If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, youre gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders., If you have selfish and ignorant citizens then you too will become a selfish and bad leader.. Enjoy! If you vote, and you elect dishonest, incompetent politicians, and they get into office and screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. Don't let me be attacked by a maniac wearing a french tickler and a space helmet. Doesn't happen often. I'm tired of that asshole. Thats what all that adolescent, macho, male posturing and strutting in bars and locker rooms is all about. You know why? A pimp who drives a Toyota Corolla. Now I feel better. A gynecologist who wants my wife to have three or four drinks before the examination. A crazy person will beat nine people to death with a steel dildo, but he'll be wearing a Bugs Bunny suit at the time. Its interested in its own power. Now there is another phrase I dearly love. Hindus, Muslims, Jews, Christians; all taking turns killing each other because God told 'em it was a good idea. Everybody's going to save something now. And then, the one we always forget, because he was Bashful. The poor are there just to scare the shit out of the middle class. Nothing changed. Put it in your pocket and go the fuck home, you're a winner! Who said so? its only a symbol. No nothing. Feel free to reach out and connect. The right wing's last line of defense on campus. And you know, I always wanted to work in a delicatessen just so that a woman would come in one day and ask me to. Here is one I would suggest: Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was. The government doesn't care about you, or your children, or your rights, or your welfare, or your safety, it simply doesn't give a fuck about you. Its disgusting, man. Leave these fucking people alone for Christs sake. The people left of center were liberals; the people right of center were conservatives. Everybodys going to save something now. I think "spokesman" ought to be "spokesperson," I think "chairman" ought to be "chairperson," I think "mankind" ought to be "humankind." Maybe something else sucks around here like, the public. George Carlin > Quotes > Quotable Quote - Goodreads One of the more pretentious political self-descriptions is "libertarian". Every single person, you can see the universe in their eyes if you're really looking. And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. 44. If I don't like the way someone is driving, I pull up alongside the other car and say, "I hope your children turn out poorly." Some people see things that are and ask, Why? That's the only thing. Of all the things you can do, giving someone an orgasm is hardly the worst thing in the world. After all, he was one of the most successful comedians of all time! In the army they give you a medal for spraying napalm on people. But even after the egg is fertilized, it's still six or seven days before it reaches the uterus and pregnancy begins, and not every egg makes it that far. This is my list: guys in their fifties named "Skip." Were gonna save the fuckin planet? I don't believe in road rage; I prefer the gentle rebuke. If your kid needs a role model and you aint it, youre both fucked. George Carlin, 32. Because chickens are decent people. Boy, these conservatives are really something, arent they? If youre preborn, youre fine; if youre preschool, youre fucked. 12. Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place? I dont like ass kissers, flag wavers or team players. (p. 237), Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Ephraim Zimbalist Jr. (243). Who wants to get sucked off by a forty-three-year-old clergyman with beard stubble? The seven dwarfs were each on different little trips. You kick the priest in the nuts and say, "Fuck you, Father, I don't do that shit" And you're out the door. not understanding that George Carlin was the type of person to roast one side, and when the other side started cheering he would turn and . And they're against gun control and they're against nuclear weapons control. They must really be bad; they'd have to be outrageous to be separated from a group that large! Believe me, my friend. Term limits ain't going to do any good; you're just going to end up with a brand new bunch of selfish, ignorant Americans. This ought to get the ball rolling; I'm hoping you people will take it from here. Offer good while supplies last. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, Wheres the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. George Carlin, 43. The Ballad of 'Deepfake Drake' - The New York Times Hansel and Gretel discovered the ginger bread house about 45 minutes after they discovered the mushrooms. You voted them in. Doc was a connection. BAM! Im not sure silencing people or forcing them to alter their speech is the best method for solving problems that go much deeper than speech. George Carlin, 62. Oh, my goodness. I do not torture animals, and I do not support the torture of animals, such as that which goes on at rodeos: cowardly men in big hats abusing simple beasts in a fruitless search for manhood. And the sad part is, is that most people seem to have been indoctrinated to believe that bullshit only comes from certain places, certain sources: advertising, politics, salesmen not true. 225 different people in the Ronald Reagan administration have either quit, been fired, arrested, indicted or convicted of either breaking the law or violating the ethics code! His insights on the world of politics were always keen and often quite funny. Hootie and the Blowfish are breaking up? Governments dont want a population capable of critical thinking, they want obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and just dumb enough to passively accept their situation. The original quote is, "We make ourselves miserable by first closing ourselves off from reality and then collecting this and that in an attempt to make ourselves happy by possessing happiness. Weve added years to life, not life to years. George Carlin, 6. How can [God] be perfect? Is that such a strange notion. Let's kill a beautiful tree that's been alive for seventy-five years and bring it to New York City. Only once have I lost my cool. We're going to the country because we like nature." Fertilization: When the sperm fertilizes the egg, which is usually a few moments after the man says, "Gee, honey, I was gonna pull out, but the phone rang and it startled me." And if you read the news even badly, you know that every year the list gets shorter and shorter. Founded in 2010, Thought Catalog is owned and operated by The Thought & Expression Company, Inc. For over a decade, we've been at the bleeding edge of media, pioneering an infrastructure for creatives to flourish both artistically and financially. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time. Pretty neat deal, huh? You don't. You have no choice. Goddamn there's a lot of stupid bastards walking around. ""The owners of this country know the truth: It's called the American dream because you have to be asleep to believe it. The difference between left and right of center originated in the French parliament. Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. George Carlin, 9. Thats all weve ever had in this country, is a bill of temporary privileges. Either you gimme my money backor I'm shittin' in the well! Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough not to quit. George Carlin, 21. I'm also tired of hearing about 'innocent victims'. The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it. It's what our system produces: Garbage in, garbage out. The politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. Quote by George Carlin: "Now, there's one thing you might - Goodreads "Yes." Fuck him and his balls, and his bicycles, and his steroids, and his yellow shirts, and the dumb empty expression on his face. Spoiler: advertising man says, "It's Good!". There's something I like about the clitoris, but I can't quite put my finger on it. Anything differentthat's what they're gonna talk aboutrace, religion, ethnic and national background, jobs, income, education, social status, sexuality, anything they can do to keep us fighting with each other, so that they can keep going to the bank! By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. George Carlin, 10. Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? It's interested in its own power, that's the only thing. When they say "right to life," they're talking about THEIR right to decide which people should live or die. Unlike some other gods I could mention, I can actually see the sun.